idiot box...

homeless days revisited...

*these are my memories from the time i was homeless (by choice, my mom would say) as a teen*

it was dark and the "city that never sleeps" was quiet(er).  there was a party wrapping up at a huge hotel right across the street from strawberry fields (in central park). i think it was the plaza...i don't exactly remember. one of my traveling friends had scored a bunch of food that was going to be thrown into the dumpster that was leftover from the party.  he had several boxes of fancy pastries and other extravagant Hors d'oeuvre's. it was like christmas. we were starving. it had been at least a day since we had eaten. we walked around handing out some of our food to other homeless people in the area. i was leaning up against the wall that surrounded central park, and i smelled what appeared to be burning laundry soap.  i could hear some movement coming from some bushes beyond the wall .  there were two small figures huddled together. they couldn't have been more than nine or ten. they were smoking crack. they were dirty and their clothes were tattered. one of them had asked me if i had anymore food. i gave him what i had and they disappeared into the night. i have often wondered about those boys. wondered how they got to where they were and what had happened to their parents.

(the homeless nightlife in the city consists of a lot of very young children and  it is not uncommon to see them smoking crack or shooting up. you truly have no idea until you have seen it for yourself...)

on having twins...

people always ask me how i do it (it being raising twins). when you don't have them, it seems so overwhelming (not that there aren't overwhelming moments), but when they are your own it doesn't seem as daunting. change one, change the other. give one a bite, then the other. two hips? check. two boobs? check. it really is that simple.i personally love being a twin mom. being a mom in general is one of the single most best experiences of my life. i look back on my life before kids, and it just seems so unreal. what did i do with all of my time?  ammi and ellie have this way of communicating with one another without  speaking. kind of like the connection you  have with a best friend or long time partner. you can just raise an eyebrow and they know what you're saying.  this is my twins.  if one is having a hard time, they will calm down if you bring the other. if one can't get to it, the other will help. they give each other bites and rub each other's hair. they laugh at each other and snuggle together. they hold hands in their sleep and use each other for pillows (and a stepping stool to reach something). i have loved every single moment of being a mom of multiples. is it hard? sometimes. is it a lot of work? yes and no. would i have multiples again? absolutely!

Homosexuals (The Modern Day Lepers).

 "It’s God’s job to judge, the Spirit’s job to convict and my job to love."  -Billy Graham.

We have all seen the signs, "God hates fags!"  being toted around by so-called Christian's standing on their sopboxes.  Their hatred is palpable. Somehow their red face and bulging veins doesn't make me ponder the Love of Christ. If anything, it makes me (a Believer for more than half of my life) want to run very far away from the one they serve. Whatever you think about homosexuality, you have to consider that behind the lifestyle lies a breakable spirit and a hurting heart. It's never okay to be self-righteous and unforgiving even if you stand adamantly against  the subject at hand.

I know of some Christian's who wouldn't even consider shaking your hand if you are gay, as if  homosexuality is a sickness that you can catch. Some would go so far as to not even sit on a chair that has been occupied by the bum of a gay man. I can just imagine their internal monologue  to go something like this, " That's disgusting! I am not sitting there. Who knows where that guy has been or what sexually transmitted disease he is carrying! What will people think of me if they see me sitting in the same chair? Feak! Weirdo! He's going to hell in a handbasket to be sure!"

To the one toting the sign, "God hates fags!" -  you are mistaken. God hates homesexuality, not the homosexual.

1Cr 13:1

If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal.

what i wish i would have been told...

i grew up in a denomination that taught (to my understanding) that any mental illness could be traced to unrepented sin in ones life. this left me wondering what i had done wrong whenever i experienced depression or anxiety (and, unfortunately caused me to wrongly judge those who struggled with similar issues).  i also grew up under the impression that medicating a mental illness was unnecessary and only covering up the issue.

immediately after the birth of my second child, i felt off. the dark, heavy feeling i had was seemingly all-encompassing.  i felt as if the walls were caving in on me. i couldn't sleep. even though the baby slept with me, i could not fall asleep for fear of her dying. i obsessively cleaned. i felt inadequate and inept. my thoughts would often race. i couldn't relax. although i never ever felt like i wanted to harm my children (thank the Lord for that!), i did want to harm myself.  one day on the way home from church, it took everything i had within me not to open the car door while my husband was driving and let myself roll out onto the pavement. i suffered from panic attacks. i withdrew from those around me. until this time, i had thought that postpartum depression was a make believe illness. when my daughter was four months old, i finally admitted to a friend that i thought that i had PPD.  i didn't start feeling better until  thirteen months postpartum.  i never did go on medication. in hindsight, i am sure that medication would have made that first year much easier for me.

after the birth of my second child, my sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. she is a cutter and self-injurer. she is a bible-believing christian. my dad is agoraphobic. my childhood friend was diagnosed with schizophrenia. my pastor struggles with depression. my husband has social anxiety. i know many men and women of Faith who have some form of a mental illness.

i wish that someone would have told me that mental illnesses are just a byproduct of living in a fallen world.  i wish that i would have been told sooner that it wasn't my fault and i wasn't being punished by God. 

how can we better serve those who struggle mentally on a daily basis?  what ridiculous preconceived notions do you have regarding mental illnesses?